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Open the window, and throw out the word, why – at least for a day.

When we get caught up in conversations around the word why, we get caught up in focusing on what’s wrong and in most cases, what has already taken place.

For example:

• Why didn’t you set any appointments today?
• Why did you reschedule the call?
• Why is this report late?
• Why am I not meeting my quota?
• Why can’t I bring down my running time?
• Why won’t the kids finish their homework before dinner?

Although, in some cases, there is valuable information to be gained from looking at the answer to those questions, the real power often comes from looking forward. Ask forward looking questions instead.

For example:

• Where do we go from here?
• What’s next?
• How do we move forward?
• How do we make this happen?
• Where can I improve my skill set?
• What do I want to practice tomorrow, that I didn’t practice today?
• What were we doing when it was working like clockwork?

Today, every time you hear yourself ask why, reframe the question to where, what, how, or when.

As you practice, let me know what you notice.

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You’re sitting down to dinner with friends, when one looks over and asks, “Do you always butter your bread that way?”

Ha, ha, you laugh. But inside, your story is going like this: Who does he think he is, Mr. Manners? What’s wrong with the way I butter my bread? Jerk. He’s always so critical.

Freeze frame.

If something as minor as buttering bread can provoke such feelings of defensiveness, imagine what can happen with emotional issues at home, boundary issues at work or ethical issues in our larger community.

What happens, says Sharon Ellison, M.S., is essentially war.

Ellison, founder of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication, teaches that the way we communicate with each other uses the same principles and tactics we would use in physical combat, based on the belief that we must protect ourselves by being defensive. As soon as we feel any threat, either of not getting what we want or of being harmed or put down in some way, we choose from among the three basic defensive war maneuvers: surrender, withdrawal or counterattack.

“It’s a sad commentary on our use of human imagination,” Ellison says, “to realize that for centuries we have essentially used a war model as the foundation upon which we have built our entire system for spoken and written communication.”

O.J. Harvey studied this connection between language and violence when he was a psychology professor at the University of Colorado. Using random samples of pieces of literature from countries around the world, he tabulated the frequency of words that classify and judge people—the types of words that often provoke defensive reactions. Not surprisingly, he found a high correlation between the frequent use of such words and the incidence of violence.

The myth, says Ellison, is that defensiveness will protect us, that to be open is to be weak. On the contrary, it is being defensive that weakens us. Consider this: When you are defensive, do you feel safe? Competent? Confident? Do you learn well? Power struggles and unnecessary, destructive conflicts are the more likely outcome.

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Ellison, founder of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication, estimates that we use 95% of our communications energy being defensive. She describes the six most common defensive reactions as follows:

Surrender-Betray. We give in but defend the person’s mistreatment of us, taking the blame ourselves.

Surrender-Sabotage. We cooperate outwardly but undermine the person in some way. Passive-aggressive behavior falls into this category.

Withdrawal-Escape. We avoid talking to someone by not answering, leaving the room or changing the subject.

Withdrawal-Entrap. We refuse to give information as a way to trap the other person into doing something inappropriate or making a mistake.

Counterattack-Justify. We let someone know she is wrong to be upset with us, explaining our own behavior and making excuses.

Counterattack-Blame. We attack or judge the other to defend ourselves.

Changing how we communicate as individuals—learning that we can protect ourselves and have greater influence without using a war-based language—will not only shift our own personal and professional lives, but can ultimately lead toward a more peaceful world.

Author Jim Collins, in his book Good to Great, first documented that transforming a mediocre company into a stellar performer seemed to require a leader who was the polar opposite of the “celebrity CEO” archetype. This type of leader combines tremendous personal determination to do what it takes to achieve success for the organization with a willingness to accept responsibility for failure and to pass along the credit for success to his or her team.

In his bestselling book Leading Quietly, Harvard professor Joseph L. Badaracco Jr. identified key behaviors that successful quiet leaders seem to follow to get results. He distilled these into seven recommendations, among them:
• Don’t kid yourself. Be realistic about what you know—and don’t know—of the situation you face. Accept that you may have to act with uncertain knowledge.
• Trust mixed motives. Recognize that people, including yourself, bring a blend of motivations to their jobs—public-spirited and self-interested. Work with this instead of fighting it.

Daniel Goleman’s recent book, Primal Leadership, suggests that a coaching style of leadership may best describe the rarest—and most essential—qualities of the quiet leader.

“The coaching style is the least-used tool in the leader’s toolkit,” says Goleman, “probably because it doesn’t look like leadership.”

Like a coach, a quiet leader can achieve breakthroughs by asking guided questions rather than giving orders or advice, and by getting to know each member of a team well enough to be able to craft work assignments to best suit where they are and where they’re going.

Yet it’s clear that quiet leadership is not so much about any particular management style as it is an attitude toward work and people—and life. Keeping your ego in check certainly seems to be a prerequisite, as is giving up your ambitions for being on the cover of Fortune.

As Henry Mintzberg, a professor of management studies at McGill University, commented in a recent article on quiet leadership, “Maybe really good management is boring.”

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The conventional image of a business leader is one we see all around us—the commanding, visionary person who takes charge in a time of crisis or transition and leads his or her company to victory over daunting odds. The tales of these “celebrity CEOs” and their successes make great reading—as does their failures.

Yet, for several years, a slowly growing body of knowledge and experience has begun to suggest that another approach—under the heading “quiet leadership”—may be ultimately more effective at achieving sustained high performance in organizations of all kinds.

While that may be good news for those of us who are not natural media stars, don’t be misled: Quiet leadership is a challenging management approach that requires a keen understanding of your business and the people in it to achieve its promise.

For starters, quiet leadership isn’t clearly defined. Certainly a bedrock of quiet leadership is leading by example, of eliciting the behavior you want by demonstrating it, rather than just telling others to do it. But a deeper understanding of what it means to be “quiet leader” is emerging as management researchers and business coaches delve into just why it is that certain types of leaders tend to produce better results, in more varied conditions, over longer periods of time. And quiet leadership isn’t just for the person at the top, but applies across the spectrum, from the leader to all levels of middle-management, from solo entrepreneurs and their team of subcontractors to small business owners with a small staff.

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Top 10—Team Support

A leader’s job is to ensure that the highest level goals of the organization are realized. As long as you are committed to the success of the group, you are leading. Below are 10 ways to support your “team,” whether that is a formalized project team or an informal grouping of employees.

1. Set direction; don’t give directions. Trying to tell everyone what to do is micromanaging, not leading.
2. Ask yourself the question: “Is what I’m doing helping the group to succeed?” Ask the group, too. If the answer is no, stop!
3. Remind the group why it exists. A team’s charter can sometimes get lost.
4. Align your team. Once goals are clear, help everyone match their part of the job to the goals.
5. Ask questions. Explore with real curiosity the link between members’ actions and the team’s goals.
6. Get out of the way. Stop being dazzled by your own brilliance. Let go and trust the power of teamwork.
7. Keep an open mind. Sometimes what looks like insanity may make a great deal of sense.
8. Make it easy for team members to get their jobs done. Take out the trash or order a pizza, if necessary.
9. Choose your battles wisely. They’re a poor use of time. Issues that seem critical now often aren’t in the long run.
10. Spend time with your team. You’ll learn how to support them much better than by being aloof and alone in your office.

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What have you forgotten to say out loud?

• Thank you….
• I love you…
• You’re beautiful…
• I’m sorry…
• Please forgive me….
• You make a difference in my life…
• You’re a gift to me…
• I missed you…
• I’m excited to see you…
• I’m grateful for you…
• I appreciate you….
• That touched me…
• I’m inspired by you…
• I’m glad to see you…

Now’s your chance, go do it now!

Not next time you see someone, right now!

Call, walk over to their desk or office, send them a text or email, figure out a way and do it in this very moment.

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Give people space to experience their own pain so they can release it. Otherwise their pain may stay stuck inside them repeating itself over and over and over again.

“How do I create a space for others?” you ask.

The answer is surprisingly simple: By sharing of yourself with others.

I notice that when I share stories about my everyday life, people find and connect to a common thread in their life, which seems to unconsciously give them permission to share a part of themselves that they haven’t shared before.

So go ahead and give the gift of yourself to others in conversation.

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Here’s what the American Association for Therapeutic Humor, composed of more than 600 health care professionals who study the effects of humor on humans, is discovering:

• Laughter decreases the amount of stress hormones in the body, activates the cells that boost the immune system and increases the activity of natural killer cells that go after tumor cells and fight viruses.
• Three minutes of deep belly laughing is the equivalent of three minutes on a fitness rowing machine. This kind of laughing also releases anti-depressant mood chemicals.
• By the time a child reaches kindergarten, he or she is laughing some 300 times a day. Compare that to the typical adult who, one study found, laughs a paltry 17 times a day.
• When you laugh, your heart rate goes up, bringing more blood and oxygen to the brain. You also breathe faster, expanding your lungs.
• Laughter increases production of catecholmanines, which increases the level of alertness, memory, and ability to learn and create.
• After you laugh, you go into a relaxed state. Your blood pressure and heart rate drop below normal, so you feel profoundly relaxed.

So with all their prods and wires and gizmos and gauges, professionals are telling us what we knew all along: when we laugh we feel better. It doesn’t take much to reach the conclusion that all this extra brain power and relaxation leads to enhanced performance at work.

Still, for too many, the prevailing attitude is that one cannot be “professional” and have fun at the same time. The office motto has become the athlete’s: No pain, no gain. If you’re laughing, then you’re not working.

Right…